Kari Maaren - Everybody Hates Elves

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Kari Maaren is a ukulele-playing, webcomic-creating, undergrad-torturing academic with a strange tendency to write songs about poltergeists when she should be marking. She is pretty sure she is one of only two Kari Maarens in the world, the other one being a Norwegian businesswoman who is probably tired of people asking her about her vampire song. The Canadian Kari plays her strange music at various Toronto events and has even put some of it on a solo CD called Beowulf Pulled My Arm Off, plus some more of it on a compilation CD (with the band Copy Red Leader) called Pirate Elves in Space. She is very proud of the fact that her albums have such peculiar titles.



Come into the mystic valley,
All ye weary travellers;
Come and rest beside the pool
And lay aside your grief.
Astriel will play the harp
And sooth you with her singing
And beauty quite beyond

We shall dine by moonlight
On delectable confections
While conversing softly
In our ancient tongue, and so
All will be quite courteous
And wonderful and magic,
And yes, in case you’re wondering,
We know

Everybody hates elves.
Everybody can see
That we’re better than you.
This is knowledge that we
Hold over your heads.
You are all you can be,
But you’ll never be anything like us.
Everybody hates elves.
Everybody’s aware
That we elven-folk don’t
Really know that you’re there,
Or if you point it out,
Then we truly don’t care.
Everybody hates elves.

We are lovely and accomplished
Symbols of perfection;
We are slender, willowy,
And absurdly tall.
Humans long to sleep with us
And spawn pretty half-elves
With no human features
At all.

Humans have such tiny lives;
We live almost forever.
I have spent a hundred years
Just gazing at the sky.
And since we are all wealthy,
We live our lives in comfort.
It must be awfully dreary
To die.



You are nourished and quite rested,
And the beauty of our land
Has allayed your grief, which vanished
‘Neath ethereal song.
Now that you are clean and happy,
Lapped about with comforts,
It’s time for you to move

We shall give you gifts, of course,
And prophecies, and blessings;
We’ll shed diamond tears as we all
See you on your way.
But you can’t just stay here; this
Is not a place for humans.
We shall wait politely as you say:


Everybody hates elves.
Everybody hates elves.


from Canadian Geek Band Sampler, released April 30, 2014
Performed by Kari Maaren
from the album "Pirate Elves in Space", released April 19, 2013

written by Kari Maaren
Recorded, mixed, and mastered at The Pond Studio, Southern Ontario – info@thepondstudio.ca
Album artwork by Karl Stahl - www.paintedred.com



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